What Can You Expect from Couples Counseling?
When two individuals make a marriage or "live-together" commitment, they bring with it their individual expectations, values, past wounds, and life memories. Sometimes they have children and financial debts to add to the complex mix. Couples often have different communication and conflict resolutions styles. Love grows and flourishes in the initial romance period but it can die on the vine if not watered by attention and positive affection.
When angry talk, emotional coldness, and continual carping and negativity start to dominate the relationship, it's time to find a couples counselor.
Couples counseling is about getting in touch with past wounds, talking honestly about unmet expectations, discovering individual triggers for angry outburst and observing the intimacy dance that happens with all couples. It is also about revisiting the joys felt during the initial stages of falling in love.
Couples fall in love for a reason. But then life intervenes. All too often a small fault grows larger and sets the stage for frustration. Human beings are usually optimistic in thinking they can change the annoying habits in their partner. But change happens from within and cannot be forced.
I begin the work with an initial couples session where each person sets forth the issues which are causing the friction as each perceives it. We agree about some initial goals and set up individual sessions, either one or two, with each of the partners. The purpose is to learn about past history and experiences. What did each partner learn about love and conflict resolution growing up? About expectations? About gender roles? Sex?
Then we all meet again to discuss individual strengths, vulnerabilities, share ideas on communication style and learned habits. For example, do the individuals differ in terms of conflict resolution? Hang on to grudges? Avoid sexual intimacy? Have unmet expectations? Has there been an affair? If there are kids, how do the adults find their own time?
The last step is deciding whether to go ahead with therapy. I ask for a 8-12 session good faith effort! These can be every week or every other week. And yes, there's usually a takeaway activity to be tried. The time frame varies with each couple depending on how entrenched they are in behaviors, how aware they are of their triggers, how present and mindful they are about their actions. Change happens with small steps.
We know what habits and patterns make marriages work. These are readily available in popular self-help literature. But we can't understand the emotional underpinnings without bringing them into the light. We can live on the surface on automatic drive. Gaining awareness of unconscious emotional underpinnings is crucial to a happy tension-free relationship.
In a recent case, Monica and Harry (names changed) were able to forge a successful, loving relationship once each of them came to see how their individual relationships with an emotionally abusive father (Harry) and a cold, standoffish mother (Monica) were still at play in their couples relationship.
Successfully and joyfully living with another person can't happen when individuals live on automatic pilot.
For more information, see The Mindful Couple: How Acceptance and Mindfulness Can Lead You to the Love You Want, by Robyn Walser and Darrah Westrup.
Labels: couples counseling, couples therapy, marriage counseling, marriage therapy
posted by Nancy Henningsen @ 4:15 PM
0 comments
